~Enough Said~
July 13, 2011Often, when we get out of a messed up relationship, we end up hurting, broken and bruised in so many ways. we find ourselves seeking solitude, and needing to redefine ourselves and find that side of us that went missing when we fell “in love”.
a lot of us would strive to fit into the mould that our partner desires, reinventing ourselves into someone we’re not, or going beyond the limits we’ve set for ourselves, then realizing later on that we’ve built those walls around us to protect us, but realizing it all too late.
one failed relationship after another, i decided to take a break, to step back, and really seek myself. i found out that i wasn’t happy, i was alone, and i was trying to move on, trying too desperately in fact. days, weeks, and months after the heartbreak, i was still exactly where i was in the beginning, broken…
i went out with friends, went out on dates hoping the next person will come along, hoping that someone will come to rescue me from all the pain and heartache…then it hit me.
That’s exactly the kind of thinking i had when i got into my last relationship that left me battered and bruised. i was so eager to “move on”, i didn’t think things through. I accepted someone into my life, and fell hard, didn’t ask questions, and look where it got me!
after much introspection, i realized that it wasn’t time for me to move on, certainly not time to move on to the next relationship, or to move on to the next guy who’d say sweet ******** to me and allow myself to pretend that i’m ok.
in fact, it was time to do the exact opposite.
i understood at some point that it was ok to wallow in the pain, to let it really sink in, to really feel what it meant to love that person with all that you had, only to be left behind. i had to go through that to know that i really, truly, loved him, because i would not hurt this much otherwise. and i’m thankful that at least once in my life, i knew how it felt to be alive.
but it was also an opportune time for me to understand one vital thing…“moving on” is not always the answer. sometimes, it’s “stepping aside” that matters. it’s stepping aside and allowing others a chance at the spotlight, seeing your friends and family, and celebrating their joys and successes, giving back to the people who’s loved you all your life, and seeing yourself through their eyes that bring you your greatest awakening.
i did that, i went home, i sought comfort in that one place where i would always be welcome. and i found that not everything is about me…and i understood that all this time, i only thought of how hurt i was, never about how i’ve hurt those who love me by choosing that kind of life. and for once, i saw me as how they saw me.
i still love that person, i believe that i always will, but now it’s not about me, it’s not about him, and it’s not about moving on…i don’t think i’ll ever move on. but i think i’d like to try stepping aside…if someone comes along to find me as i watch my loved ones take centerstage, then i’d be grateful, if not, then i’d always still have those great memories of a love lost to circumstance.
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